a big part of ambiguous relationships is reinterpreting actions when you're not with the person...

note that it is not just the flirting pattern which can be potentially activated to contribute to an ambiguous relationship, but also any set of other contradicting qualities. For example, in the case of siddhartha, while it was sometimes unclear whether he felt something like a familial affection for me versus something deeper or more romantic, it was even more unclear and a lot more disconcerting, to navigate whether he was essentially a retarded moron, or whether he was potentially actually some kind of genius. This question has never been answered, though in recent years, I've endeavoured to put certain behaviors in one category and others in the other without either confirming or disconfirming either of the potential patterns.[1] The unraveling of this complicated pattern was so important to me because it allowed me to see whether, in some situations he was either tricking me, or else was simply unimaginably confused, pointing to the fact that his mind probably worked drastically different than the way my own works[2]

charlie, we were struggling over who had the power in the relationship, and also gender roles, because that become unclear at one point too. it was actually even unclear what the struggle was, which (presumably) made the struggle that much more struggly.

relationship with sid Edit

, which is why i concocted my first attempt at a digital version of the pattern collector, in the form of a powerpoint[3]

  1. s
  2. or for that matter anyone else's I know. I point this out because it seems now to make sense that the root of this excessive confusion was that I did not factor in the extra (?) that it would take to (unveil) the differences that I had already accepted by dating someone (like him), and had chosen or convinced myself to accept based on certain reasoning I had at the time (and still do), related to my own evolving or shifting views of myself and the way i interact(ed) with the world, and eventually this translated directly to an "updated" world view, though not for a long, possibly because i resisted the promotion. Now, I think because of hanging out with other people that I know or believe to be autistic, it becomes easier to accept the (drastically different ways our mind might work), for example, while hanging out with thomas and also chris, i had to come to terms that they really weren't aware of the subtext of a situation or something i had just said, or even something they had just said, and for that reason needed to be not only informed of that particular mistunderstanding, but also manually explained the huge discrepency in the functioning of their brain and the funcitoning of my own.
  3. which i made in the back seat of the car on my road trip with brenda, despite that the car was moving. I made it in MS paint, and afterwards uploaded each image to a slide on powerpoint. I later figured a way to make the drawer of the matches box appear to be sliding out and the tic tacs appearing inside of it

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