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The Andrew Party was one in a series of performance art events which I put on at various times in my life, including while I was at Wesleyan, and once I had moved to Portland. It was designed to be a special kind of party designated for only people with the name "Andrew."

i got the idea for the andrew party because i was having so much trouble finding this one particular okcupid date on facebook. i knew it would make everything perfect if  were ever able to connect with him so i typed in his name and the one piece of information that i knew about him - that he lived in portland, and proceeded to scroll through all the people who lived in portland and also had his name. i got a weird idea and thought about what would happen if i friended all of them on facebook. then he might not think it was so weird when i tried to friend him on facebook after we had only had one date and it hadn’t gone very well considering it started with me calling it off because he didn’t have overalls and didn’t want to go to hot topic as we’d agreed. he’d said that his facebook message had been a “joke” and that he was “kidding.” then he told me that his ex girlfriend had become a stripper but he expected it was just because she wanted to become more real *swoon (i eventually talked to this not actually ex girlfriend on the phone when she found out he’d cheated on her with me. now we are facebook friends and occassionally like each other’s posts and i made one of my profile pictures to look exactly like hers but never posted it because i chekcend out in the end. anyway.


i told my roommates that they had to stay in the kitchen


when they questioned me and said that i also my name wasn’t andrew, i said they were right and determinedly left for half of the party - to the kitchen where they were. But I didn’t talk to them. And anyways, what good would it have done - they were just listening through closed doors..



one day one of the andrews came to my media class. he was there because he wanted me to vote. i said no. he didn’t acknowledge that he had been to my house. then he left. i didn’t tell anyone that i knew him, except for secretly a couple days later.


one day i met one of the andrews the one that had gotten scared and...on facebook. i was in a rush because i was headed to a job interview at jack in the box but the manager had told me to come back a little bit later. she looked pointedly at my clothes and said “you’re applying for a job interview, aren't you.” and i said: “what” and said “you need to come back at the appropriate time, and once you do you should be wearing a button down shirt and slacks. i was wearing a short t-shirt that showed my navel, and maybe a mini skirt.


afte that my friend micahel texted me and i snuck into the art event next door by walking past the bouncer without saying anything and then everyone just assumed i worked there if i didn’t say anything when they asked me if i could drink alcohol.


the point is i didn’t get the job, and i told andrew that i probably did.


unlike other articles, i’m going to identify the people in this..vy name, and i’m not going to change it.




one of them invited me to ride bikes with him the next sunday - on child’s bikes…


we all went down into the basement and we took their little tinkly bell that they use for beginning meetings so they have spiritual intent. and then when we got there it seemed altogether to antural to start singing one of the taylor swift songs that i didnt know. it wasn’t my idea but they were all involve din show tunes for heaven sakes.


the first andrew, after he had repped the play he was going to go practice fo, left..



when we were on our date he told me a really secretly sad and sick story. when he first found out about the andrew party


when questioned i said i just thought he was attractive and mean and stuff.



i met this one andrew that i hadn’t even seen at the party, and the fact is he hadn’t even been there. i met him outside..i do this thing where i ask people if i can sit across from them and then pretend that i really all i wanted was to just sit across from them, and then if they do try to talk to me, pretend that they are imposing on me. “hey!”i say with all of my body and my eyes. “just because i chose to sit right across from you at this two person table doesn’t me get the right neigh the privilege to talk to me” anyway in this particular case we found out that his name was andrew and that i was his friend on facebook. After that he took me to get poutine. i invited him back to my house but didn’t take him up to my room.


and the last and final...after that four day date we were understandably kind of sick of each other. i mean, on that one night we didn’t even sit next to each other on the bus. however when i did manage to meet him on the bus this one day i told him that i was on the way back to my jack in the box interview, without  the requisite button down shirt aht the interviewer required. He chivalrously took off his own shirt in front of my eyes, and revealed his gleaming abs. and then i put it on and gave him my quite nice silky velvety shirt that i really actually do want back in return. that was the last i heard of him and besides that i didn’t get the job because the manager had left by the time that i got back.



during the party


before the party i rushed to buy a dinosaur pinata, a 24 box of pretty good beer, and the materials necessary for tacos, cause those were the things i’d promised in the facebook group. and also to go on a date with this other dude named gabriel who had the name of the person i meant to have the party with and for in the first place, whose name will not be mentioned in this essay.

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