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The first time I remember having this experience, I was in kindergarten, sitting at one of the low picnic tables made specially for kids of my size. I was watching all the girl's in our grade who were sitting around popular girl Lauren Spiegel, and thinking how everything that appeared one way actually happened or ought to have been the opposite. I went over a list of experiences in my mind, such as the fact that whenever my teacher said we were going to do something fun, it always turned out to be not fun, lame, and stupid. However, when she said the opposite, for example that we were going to an art museum to get an education and not to fool around or have any fun, it often was the opposite experience. These events coalesced into my mind into one single concept, which I referred to as "the salt and pepper concept" in the future. This was the first instance of my naming something and remembering it for myself so that I could use it for my own private thoughts...however, since then I've had a lot of examples of that, and they've all pretty much gone the same way. I remembered thinking that when things appeared to be one way, they were often exactly the opposite, and "naming" the concept Salt and Pepper to represent how things were opposite to each other.

Now I make sense of this realization by the fact that I was at a different level than the other kids. Perhaps this was because I stayed back a year in first grade and felt that I was a little bit intellectually above them. However, I did not feel I related to them completely, and had to carefully calculate how to talk to them, even if I just wanted the most basic similar reaction as them, because I did not have the same goals as them, and therefore had to manufacture the place they were coming from for myself.

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